Out of the Shadows
by litromantic
Summary: Jess is sure he knows how to fix this. He just has to be with her. Literati
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gilmore Girls, or sadly, Jess.

**Notes:** I know that this fic sort of resembles "Jagged", but I decided that one was too out of character for Rory, I could not write something I did not think could really happening. So this time, its Jess's terms, which makes more sense. This is a future Lit fic, and its written as if the 6.8 had never happened. Why? Because I am focusing on their relationship, not on Rory's growth, and that was all that episode focused on. But he'll be back-as soon as Milo stops being an idiot, a beautiful, beautiful idiot.

_And everybody knows the way I walk _

_And knows the way I talk _

_And knows the way I feel about you _

_It's all a bunch of shit_

_And there's nothing to do around here_

_It's totally fucked up_

_I'm totally fucked up_

_Wish you were here_

The wind was cold against his skin, reflecting his mood. He took another drink of his coffee, hoping the hot liquid would warm his spirits. It burned his tongue. He grimaced, and then sighed. The field was vacant. It was almost ten thirty at night and darkness covered the grass and weeds. He liked coming out here like this-it was tranquil. It was a way for him to get away from everything against him, and it was the only way he could find to clear his mind. When he breathed the fresh air it took him to a place before his mistakes, before he existed. It was a place he could not define or see but he knew it was there; he could feel it as his lungs were cleansed and his mind cleared. The fresh air would push the past and present out and pull hope in. Usually, he thought of song lyrics, authors and poems. Often he would stand in that field and imagine what he would write if he ever focused himself enough, what kind of legacy he would leave behind. But tonight was different. Tonight nothing could divert him from dwelling on the past.

An hour or so ago, he had been working at the bookstore and a girl walked in. She had thick shoulder length brown hair that shined as the sun hit her in the doorway. Her eyes stood out as a deep blue against her pale skin. Her lips were a blushed red-natural but enticing. The smile she gave him briefly as she discovered him staring was sweet and soft, like a whisper. He could have sworn it was Her, The Girl. At the sight of her his body had frozen and he found himself immobilized, unable to call out to her as she disappeared behind a tall shelf of books. His heart pounded and he left the register to his co-worker, almost jogging through the store. He turned past a shelf and there she was. Her back was facing him, and he readied himself to say her name again. But he hesitated. That's when he knew it was not right. Some feeling told him it was not Her, it was just another pretty face. He felt like crying, yelling, or even hurting the impersonator in front of him. But before he could act rashly, she turned to him and with too much confidence asked him if they had _Atlas Shrugged_ here, because she had found _The Fountainhead _but the other masterpiece was nowhere to be found. Jess felt vomit rise in his throat. He forced it down and told her moodily that they could order another copy for her. She refused the offer and left the store quickly-but the damage was done. This stranger had put Rory in Jess' head and it was impossible to get her out.

_I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving, now the days go by so fast._

Jess had always thought that love was that gnawing guilt you felt when your mom was upset. For most of his life, he refused to believe all of the claims that love was the key to life. Early on, he studied his surroundings and decided it brought you only pain. Lust was easier to deal with-it was natural and satisfying. For a while, Jess would pick the bimbo blonde who gave him the eye and deal with her until he was bored of her brainlessness. Love was a myth, fiction, a falsehood made up by Jane Austen and the Bronte sisters.

When it hit him, he was not ready. She was too beautiful, too smart, too adorable, and too right. Jess was always afraid: afraid of loosing her, of hurting her, and of breaking her like a porcelain doll. Fear took him over and he hid all of his demons from her, thinking if he locked it up it could not hurt this perfect girl. But his plan backfired.

She was supposed to tell him she loved him after he said it, after he was able to tell her all that she was and that she was all that mattered. Instead, she told him over the phone, across the country. Instead, she told him as she broke it off, as she cried because she felt she was worthless. She was supposed to cry because she knew she was worth everything.

Jess tightened the muscles in his jaw as he forced him self to remember the cracking in her voice and the gasps of breath she took to impede her crying. At the sound of her broken voice, his intuition was to beat kill the person who did this to her because they could not live on this earth if they could hurt the single worthwhile thing in it. But there was only him to blame. He left her. Now that years had passed, he could not remember what went through his mind as he took that bus out of Stars Hollow, or what made him sit there as she left that bus. If he could go back, he would follow her, wait at Chilton while she took her classes and then tell her everything-every little part of him like a first confession. It was too late now. He tried to go back and fix it, but the only result was upsetting her even more. On his last visit, she had yelled at him. Jess had never heard Rory yell like that before-he had never seen her that angry before. It was because of him-because of who he was at 17. He wished he could show her who he was at 23. He wished he could tell her he still thinks of her, that he makes Luke call him and update him on Rory's life. Most of all, he wished he could tell her he loved her, one more time.

"It's too late," he said to the grass and to the wind that took his words and swallowed them, leaving an emptiness they tried to mask. He checked his watch, took one more deep breath, and left his last piece of peace.

_Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna give it back to you._

_By now you should've somehow realized what you gotta do_

_I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now_

His feet shuffled and his shoes were scuffed as his regret weighed on him. He entered his hole-in-the wall apartment he called home and shut the door hastily, hoping to shut the world out and turn the apartment into the haven he needed. Instead, it reminded him that nothing had changed, that he never finished high school, and that he had never amounted to anything. Just like everyone had said. He threw his coffee cup violently in the plastic trash can by the door, making an even louder noise than when he had shut the door.

"Jess?" A voice called out to him from deeper in the rooms.

"Yeah?" he called out.

"Jess! You're home!" a peppy female voice squealed. Jess let out a small groan. It was his roommate's girlfriend, Casey. She talked more than both Gilmore girls on coffee. He flinched at this comparison. Obviously, Rory was still on his mind.

Casey padded out of the bedroom, a huge grin on her freckled face. With her blonde hair, freckles and blue eyes, she was the perfect Californian. She was clad with sweat pants and a large shirt that only slightly showed her pregnant stomach. Jess was shocked when Dan and Casey had told him about the pregnancy with smiles on their faces. Dan and Casey both worked low-wage jobs and soon Casey would not be able to work anymore. But instead of worrying about their less than great financial situation, they were ecstatic about the new life growing inside her. Jess took their optimism as stupidity and he pitied them

"How was work?" she asked routinely as she hugged him tightly. She never seemed to care that Jess left his arms stiffly at his sides.

"Fine," he answered as she pulled away.

"You were out late again," she said simply. It was not an accusation, just a lure to get him to talk-it never worked.

"Just, walking around," he said plainly, shrugging. He never told Dan or Casey about the field-he preferred to keep it to himself.

"With all the walking you do, you think you'd be more athletic looking. I mean, look at you, your skin and bones. Want some tea?" She moved hurriedly towards the stove and dirty fridge they called the kitchen, not waiting for his answer. She did this almost every night-some how Jess could not bring himself to tell her he hated tea.

"I have an interesting story to tell you." Casey put the teakettle on the stove and then hurried over the few inches to their small and only table. Jess followed and sat down, welcoming the distraction.

"Did I ever tell you about my old boyfriend Jared?" She asked enthusiastically. Jess shook his head mutely. "Well, we dated a while back. Things were good, for a while. But, I don't know, I guess we were both kind of screwed up. Anyway, he came by my work today!" She looked at Jess expectedly, hoping he would have a more enthused reaction then just listening.

"What happened?" he surrendered to her stare.

"Well, he comes and tells me he loves me. Just like that! He's all, 'Casey, I love you.' So, obviously, I am pretty surprised. I mean I haven't talked to this guy in years. I have barely thought about any other guys since Dan! I mean, don't you think he would've seen my stomach! It's huge! Anyway, he stares at me for a minute, and I stare at him. I mean I don't know what to say! It was a while ago! So then, he just kind of mumbles something and leaves. Isn't that ridiculous?"

The irony hit Jess hard. Was this his imagination? How is it possible that something so similar could happen to two completely different people? And why would it happen on today of all days? Jess was not sure if he believed that coincidences were really some higher force trying to tell you something, but this message was hard to ignore.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Jess asked suddenly, as if he hoped Casey could give him the answers Rory never gave. Casey was surprised by the question. She had known Jess for a year now, she was sure he had never asked her a question before.

"Well…I mean . . . what was I supposed to say? He just comes out of nowhere, I mean, its not like he's called me or seen me before, and he just lays this big confession on me!" The teapot whistled, and Casey got up saying, "besides, I love Dan now."

Jess stared at the old rickety chair in front of him. Casey was right, it was ridiculous-some guy just came out from the shadows, says he loves her and then disappears into the shadow again. What could Casey do? He was not trying to be a part of her life-Jess was not sure what this Jared was trying to do. What had Jess been trying to do, be with Rory? It suddenly dawned on him all at once-an excuse for Rory's reaction without saying he meant nothing to her. After six years, Jess finally realized what he had to do. In just a few moments, his entire conscious had been altered. It was not unheard of-it was similar to Jess and Rory's first kiss, when Jess' dad showed up in Stars Hollow or when Jess showed up in California. All of those had changed his life. He had to be with her.

"I'm leaving," Jess said suddenly to Casey, who had abandoned the tea and was now indulging in an ice cream container. She looked only slightly perplexed, as she was currently more concerned about the ice cream.

"Where are you going?" She said to him as he disappeared into the bedroom, looking for his green duffle bag.

"Connecticut."

_And all the roads that lead to you were winding_

_And all the lights that light the way are blinding_

_There are many things that I would like to say to you_

_I don't know how_

_I said maybe_

_You're gonna be the one who saves me?_

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A/n There's Chapter 1, Chapter 2 should be up very soon.

Songs in this chapter:

Wish You Were Here by Ryan Adams

Long December by Counting Crows

And Wonderwall by Ryan Adams


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes:** Chapter 2, tried to get it up as quickly as possible without rushing myself. Thank you so much for the reviews! To those concerned, I am, and always have been, fully aware that Oases wrote the song "Wonderwall". I was talking about Ryan Adams version, regardless to who wrote it. I am sorry if you were somehow offended-from now on I will mention the original writer for covers.

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_Baby, I know you cannot hear me now_

_Cause you're fast asleep_

_But I love you now_

_Colors inside your head go spinning around_

_Like a ferris wheel_

_Exploding and falling to the ground . . ._

_I'm just staring at the ceiling_

_Waiting for the feeling_

_Oh, oh but when she calls_

_I know she's the one_

_Makes me want her harder_

_Makes me want to be a little stronger_

_Still I see monsters_

Jess's feet crunched snow as he got of the bus in Stars Hollow. The fresh white powder covered the ground as far as he could see, readying the earth for renewal spring would bring. He was cold under his leather jacket, but he ignored the biting wind and heaved the bag that carried his life up onto his shoulder. As he looked around the town from the bus stop, his stomach pained in a whirl of nostalgia, regret, hope and anxiety. A voice in his head told him there was still time to jump back on the bus, go back to California, or New York, or even Kansas. But he knew from experience that if he ran nothing would change, he would feel the same emptiness he felt right in this moment. Gathering all the cold air he could muster into his lungs, he exhaled a long breath in an effort to push out the pain that was dwelling inside his chest. He knew now that he would rather do all the hard things rather than coast by without Rory. He just had to keep remembering her face, her laugh, her kisses and her smile. With every muscle in his body, he forced himself to move and to push the fear to the back of his mind.

_And all the roads that lead to you were winding_

_And all the lights that light the way are blinding_

_There are many things that I would like to say to you_

_I don't know how . . ._

_And after all_

_You're my wonderwall_

Small bells on the door announced Jess's entrance into his uncle's diner. Few people looked up from their meals, and, to Jess' relief, none were too interested in the return of the small town's James Dean. He surveyed the lunch crowd quickly and was glad to see that no one that hated him was currently indulging in Luke's food. At the counter, he could see Luke's plaid back, backwards baseball cap and shaking arm as he yelled at Ceaser. A small smile found its way to Jess' face as he watched his uncle. He would never admit it, but he loved Luke-he had been a better dad to Jess that Jimmy ever had. Luke was the only one in Jess' life who had never been against him and the only one to ever trust him. Jess did not recognize it at 17, but he knew now that he had been lucky to live with Luke. He could not imagine how lost he would be without his equally moody uncle.

"Honey, I'm home," he called out. Luke turned around quickly, a surprised look on his face. He stared at Jess for a minute, dumbfounded, as if he did not recognize his nephew. But then he smiled and headed around the counter towards Jess, abandoning his spat with Ceaser.

"Jess!" He grabbed Jess in a tight hug and Jess welcomed the embrace, patting Luke on the back. They separated and the big goofy smile was still on Luke's face.

"How've you been?"

Jess shrugged, moving to drop his duffelbag by the stairs. "Not a homicidal murderer or anything." He turned around again to see Luke watching him with concerned curiosity.

"Are you in trouble?"

"No," Jess said blandly.

"Then why are you here-with a bag. What's with the bag? If you were just visiting, you wouldn't need the bag," Luke rambled.

"I'm not in trouble," he repeated.

"The bag, Jess."

"I . . . was thinking of staying here for a while."

"Here. In Stars Hollow?" Luke said in disbelief. "You hate Stars Hollow."

"It's a love-hate relationship."

"Are you sure you're not in trouble?"

"Yes, would you like to call my daddy to make sure?"

"You were staying with Jimmy?" Luke asked stiffly, his dislike for Jess' birth father obvious.

"No. Nearby, though," Jess said evasively. He had no desire to talk about his job or his roommates. Luke nodded with a look of distrust on his face.

"Then why are you here, Jess?"

Jess was not sure what to say now. Luke would try and discourage him if he told him the truth, but nothing else seemed reasonable. He almost wished he could say that he was in trouble, that he had to stay out of California and was broke with no where else to go, but it was too late for that. The truth seemed to be the only reasonable choice-if anyone would listen to him, it would be Luke. He walked towards the storage room, indicating he had something more private to say. Luke followed him in, an expectant look on his face.

"I still love her," Jess said flatly.

"You're kidding, right?"

Jess shook his head. Luke sighed deeply, rubbing his hands with his face. When he looked back up at Jess his face bore a jaded expression.

"It's a hopeless case, Jess. It was highschool, a long time ago. Rory isn't dwelling on it, neither should you. Go out, find someone else-preferably with an IQ over 10."

Jess showed Luke resolution in his stare, offering no further explanation, just a wordless stubbornness. Luke tried another angle.

"What would you do here, in Stars Hollow?"

Jess shrugged. "I could help out at the diner, and work on my writing."

Excitement played on Luke's face for a moment. "You're writing? That's great! That's great, Jess! With all that money you spent on other peoples books, its time you started cashing in." He beamed at his nephew, who smiled in spite of himself.

"Can I stay? I can, you know, pay rent. Even for the first couple months, I have some money leftover from a job in California."

Luke surveyed Jess one more time, an inner conflict going on in his head. Finally, he gave in.

"Fine. You can stay. But if she files a restraining order, you're out," Luke said roughly.

"Thanks, uncle Luke." He headed out of the storage room, walking towards the diner door.

"Where are you going?" Luke called after him.

"Out."

_I drink good coffee every morning_

_ Comes from a place that's far away_

_And when I'm done I feel like talking_

_ Without you here there is less to say_

_ I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy_

_ What is closer to the truth_

_ That if I lived till I was 102_

_I just don't think I'll ever get over you_

_Your face it dances and it haunts me_

_ Your laughter's still ringing in my ears_

_ I still find pieces of your presence here_

_Even after all these years_

He was sitting on the bench in the town square, reading George Orwell's _Down and Out in Paris and London_ for the umpteenth time, lost in a different world. Books were the only things that could keep the anxiety out of the pit of his stomach. Without warning, he looked up-he was not sure what it was, but something in the shadows caught his eye. As he looked, he saw her. She was far away from him and her head was down, but the feeling that buzzed in his chest was unmistakable. He found it hard to breathe-the distance between Rory and him seemed so small. Now, he really wanted to run. For when she looked up and he finally glimpsed her face, the bad memories hit him hard once again: her fragmented voice, the tears of frustration on her face, and the ache in her eyes. What could he say to her that was new? How in the world was he supposed to convince her he had changed? She had frozen in her steps, and they both stared at each other for a minute. He saw her hair was longer and feathery instead of straight. She was bundled up in a light blue jacket and dark blue scarf that magnified the deep blue of her eyes. Her pale face held a look of surprise, and Jess was sure it was not pleasant. He forced himself to stand up awkwardly, his knees locking. Still staring intensely, he raised his left hand tentatively as a greeting. Rory hesitated, but headed towards him.

"Hi," he started the conversation.

"Hi . . ." she said, still staring at Jess as if she was not sure he was really there.

"How are you?" he said awkwardly.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Well, that's predictable."

"Jess . . ." Rory warned.

"No, I'm just saying, an aspiring journalist such as yourself should try to be more original."

Rather than the playful glaring she would have bestowed upon him in their earlier years, she looked tired. "I don't want to play games Jess."

"I moved back."

"Ha, ha."

"No sarcasm included," Jess said seriously.

Rory stared at him blankly for a moment, as if unsure of what to think. In fear, she tried to reflect him, tried to scare him away. "So this is going to be a regular thing? Moving here and then leaving without warning?"

"Well, no. See it was sort of becoming a trend, and I am too much of a rebel to follow any trends."

"Why would you come back? Last time I saw you, you said you'd rather be anywhere then Stars Hollow."

Jess shrugged mutely.

"I'm not leaving town with you."

"I'm not leaving town, either."

"What do you want here? In Stars Hollow?"

"I just thought I could, you know, right my wrongs. Supposedly its all the rage."

"We're over Jess," Rory said, and it came out weaker than she had intended. She wanted to be strong and deflecting, but she felt her strength deflating.

"I know," he said softly, "I just, I thought we could start over. As friends."

Rory shifted uncomfortably and stared at him for a long moment, as if trying to call his bluff. Finally, she let the good girl part of her triumph, telling herself that friendship should never be too much to ask.

"What happened between us-that was a long time ago. So, I don't see why we can't be friends if you're, you know, going to be living here. But, that's it Jess. Friends," she said seriously, looking into his eyes.

"Okay."

She nodded, somewhat triumphant. They stared at each other for a moment.

"So, I'll see you?" she asked nervously.

He nodded, "I'll be here," he replied. Rory backed away slowly, then turned around as she walked away.

Jess sat firmly down on the bench, smiling to himself as he picked up his book again. Before she disappeared into the distance, Rory snuck a nervous look back at Jess. Something in her gut told her it was not over.

_We can talk awhile, baby_

_We can take it nice and slow_

_We were perfect when we started_

_I've been wondering where we've gone_

_There's a bird that nests inside you_

_Sleeping underneath your skin_

_When you open up your wings to speak_

_I wish you'd let me in_

_All your life is such a shame_

_All your love is just a dream_

_Open up your eyes_

_You can see the flames of your wasted life_

_You should be ashamed_

_You don't want to waste your life_

_I walk along these hillsides in the summer 'neath the sunshine_

_I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me_

_Change, change, change_

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Here ends Chapter 2. Please tell me if this is going too fast-that is my greatest fear.

Songs used in this chapter:

I See Monsters by Ryan Adams

Wonderwall by Ryan Adams (written by Oases)

I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You by Colin Hay

Murder of one by Counting Crows


End file.
